Water (2019)

Water (2019)

A sort of horror/erotic TV movie!

I don’t know exactly how to classify it, but there’s quite a lot of sex and obscenity in the first half hour. I would even say that it’s filmed in a rather sexist way. After that, the film turns into a comedy for a good twenty minutes! Especially with the arrival of the priest. There are some pretty funny moments, although we can all agree that nothing here is of particularly high quality! Sometimes it just makes you laugh because it’s so badly done. The special effects of the guy vomiting a jet of water, but you can clearly see that it’s not coming out of his mouth, or the woman who we hear screaming as she is sucked into the water, when we can clearly see her holding her breath underwater.

So… No! I’m not convinced by the actors (it looks like it’s their first amateur film!), nor by the title. Or by much else, in fact!

The glory days of Lorenzo Lamas and his series Renegade in the 90s seem long gone…

However, contrary to what one might think, he isn’t even the lead actor. In fact, his story is resolved far too easily. When you commit two crimes and don’t get caught, it’s always interesting to see how you’re going to get caught. But not here! We move on to a banal horror story. It’s always much easier to dive into that than to create a truly subtle story. Because the film brings plenty of twists and turns… but they’re officially twists just for the sake of it. The director must have had lots of good ideas… well… that’s what he thought, anyway… and said to himself, “Come on! I’ll put them all in a movie. Who cares how we go from one to the other!”

No need to talk too much about this dud! The further it goes, the worse it gets. We won’t even mention the constant inconsistency from beginning to end. No one made any effort. This big pile of nonsense said to itself, “If it works, great! If it fails, that’s normal!” Or “If such-and-such a movie is successful, then anything can be!” Of course, if we assume that the worse it is, the more the audience likes it, we might even think that this is misunderstood genius. But you’d have to have a hell of an ego for that!

Horrifying and erotic? There isn’t really any horror for fans of the genre, and the sex scenes are ridiculous and laughable! There isn’t even any suspense, it’s so soporific, and in the end, there’s nothing to be salvaged if you take this trash as a whole. A real ordeal from Phillip Penza… who I hope will never again disgrace himself by destroying the art of cinema!

I watched the last twenty minutes at 1.25x speed, just to make the film a little more bearable. But there’s no harm in watching it at 2x speed, or even better, not watching it at all!

It goes without saying that not all films you stumble upon are necessarily pleasant surprises! Even the ending music is bad. And don’t even get me started on the ending!
The scene cuts aren’t always done properly, and if you can see that, it means there’s a real problem. The lighting in some dark scenes is awful.

The dialogue is slow, which makes it uninteresting when it’s not already pathetic. One character (a very likeable one) wipes his sweat excessively every time we see him. The film could have been an energetic short film, but instead it drags on completely unnecessarily. There are quite a few scenes that serve absolutely no purpose. I wanted to kick each character in the butt and tell them to hurry up and get on with it!

But it is mainly the director (who makes everything bland and dull) who we can blame for wasting our time, of course! That said, thanks to him, in less than two hours, we are shown everything that should absolutely not be done when creating a masterpiece.

0 stars