Oh my! What times we live in!!!
Yet another disturbing, brutal and thoroughly gory film! If you’re into anything shocking and twisted, rush off to see this film and don’t read my review! On the other hand, if I’ve already put you off and you’re not afraid of spoilers, you can stay.
After 22 minutes, I thought to myself, ‘Oh no! To think there’s still an hour to go. This is going to be a long one!’
This time, the protagonists are children who murder and kill loads of people, starting with their parents, then their teachers.
Beyond the utterly unfunny, very dark humour, what on earth must the director have been thinking to churn out such rubbish? To be honest, he probably had his own reasons! Don’t we live in an age where quite a few children are treated like kings? They have everything they want, know nothing of frustration… so why not wipe out all the troublesome adults, whilst we’re at it?
Unless the director hated school so much that he’d been fantasising about all this for ages and dreamed of doing just that. In any case, he must have done it several times in his imagination!
What if none of this were true? These are just my theories, after all! Perhaps the root of our fear actually lies… with ice-cream sellers! I suppose you could take any subject and turn it into a horror film. You just have to imagine the worst that could happen in every situation. An ice-cream seller attracts children. So what if he poisons his ice creams or amuses himself by hypnotising the kids to do whatever he wants? He’s got everything he needs to build himself a little army of little monsters with no limits, possessing all the energy and malice of childhood.
Be that as it may, after 40 minutes, I knew this film was beyond redemption. And I was already saddened by the realisation that I couldn’t give it a negative rating. Yet I’d actually gained a bit of respect for Eli Roth. He’s sometimes a pleasure to watch in certain films, and his Borderlands (2024) was good. Alas, he must have listened (too much) to his rubbish audience, who told him he should go back to making unbearable, no-holds-barred horror. As a result, I’ve lost what little respect I’d gained for him. To think that Hostel (2005) looks like a masterpiece compared to this rubbish. Even Knock Knock (2015), which is terribly bad – just like the original, Death Game (1977), though at least that one had a better ending – seems good compared to this rubbish.
A film devoid of substance or subtlety, with an over-the-top sense of humour that isn’t funny at all except perhaps for the moment when the teenage sister (played by Sarah Abbott), whose arms are paralysed, has to get out of bed and then off the floor, before making herself vomit using her toothbrush to counteract the effects of the venom that has cast a spell on her.
Uncomfortable, despicable, revolting film. Eli Roth has outdone himself and managed to get it all wrong in spectacular fashion! Lacking in inspiration, much of it has been copied from elsewhere (such as the most sickening scene in the Hannibal (2001), but even worse)! What’s more, once again, it’s a remake! It’s at least the third one, alongside The Green Inferno (2013) and Knock Knock, in fact.
The original Ice Cream Man dates back to 1995. I have absolutely no desire to watch it. It was created by the equally terrible director Norman Apstein, the same man who also made the disastrous Erotic Adventures of the 3 Musketeers.
Getting back to this rubbish film, they didn’t choose the best child actors. We’ve seen more impressive ones in the past. If you hate children, this film won’t spare you their shrill screams at every turn. If you love children, you might end up seeing them in a different light and suffer serious trauma.
Positive parenting and kindness are made a mockery of. It’s so much more fun and easier to be nasty, isn’t it!
Enjoy lines such as ‘I’m a 12-year-old girl: of course, I know how to make myself throw up!’
Honestly, we’re really not being treated to much with films like Obsession (2025) or Backrooms (2026), which could have been so much better.
Eli Roth directed, wrote the story, produced the film (alongside Kate Harrison Karman, Christopher Woodrow and Raj Singh) and even gave himself a small role. He also co-wrote the screenplay with Noah Belson. I wonder how this film would have turned out if it had featured the likes of Stephen King, George A. Romero, James Wan or even Joe Dante. I suppose I’d have quite liked a Steven Spielberg version as well.
Anyway! No point dwelling on this rubbish. Everything about this film is rubbish, starting with the story, which is pitiful. When a priest explains what’s going on, it could have been an interesting moment, but it just makes things worse. The dialogue is rather pathetic, and the pacing is poor.
The very end gave me a bit of food for thought, but that’s only because I’m a fair-minded viewer, despite everything, and I try to find the good in everything. But it doesn’t save anything about the film, even if it isn’t entirely without meaning.
0 Stars
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